I wouldn't say I have really yelled since starting but I have gotten louder then I would like. Since there is a blurred line it has been hard to tell if I have been successful or not so I think a scale of sorts might be helpful.
So on a scale from 1-10,
1 - whisper
2 - soft talking
3 - normal inside talking
4 - normal outside or enthusiastic talking
5 - trying to be heard in a loud room
6 - yelling (trying to be heard in another room level)
7 - Why aren't you listening I have said it 10 times!!
8 - Throat hurts
9 - I don't know I haven't gotten there.
10 is vein popping.
So with this in mind I have probably gotten to a 7 before this experiment, 5 since starting and I think I would like no more than a 4.
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
Harder than I thought
Turns out that this not yelling thing is a LOT harder than I thought. The reason the first day was as easy as it was was because I didn't have anything going on. Just a Saturday, no commitments, not even a husband. Then there was Sunday and church followed by outings on Monday and today. And don't get me started on being distracted! I think that that so far has been my number one problem. I get so distracted and am not giving my children the attention that they need. And then get impatient that what I am trying to do gets interrupted and they get louder or more clingy.
But I can't focus on them every time they talk or need me. I have to cook or drive or SHOWER for crying out loud. Plus there is the need to take care of myself for sanity's sake let alone for their well being. If I am happy and sane then they not only survive but thrive because I have a cup to give from. So sometimes that means talking on the phone with an adult or reading a book. I think it is important to establish a balance and an understanding. Explaining beforehand that 'Mommy is busy or taking care of something important and that I will get to you after'. As long as this doesn't happen ALL the time and I do in fact get back then hopefully they will understand. It is important for children to understand they are not the center of the universe. Plus it shows that we each take care of ourselves.
I would also like to not just focus on the negative. There have been some noticeable changes. Bud listens a lot better. I'm not saying he listens every time or that there aren't tantrums, he is 3, but he is getting better! It might be from a lack of yelling or because of the not yelling I am trying to be more present and give him the attention in the moment or maybe it is from playing more because I am in the moment and giving him attention. Either way, it feels like a win-win-win.
But I can't focus on them every time they talk or need me. I have to cook or drive or SHOWER for crying out loud. Plus there is the need to take care of myself for sanity's sake let alone for their well being. If I am happy and sane then they not only survive but thrive because I have a cup to give from. So sometimes that means talking on the phone with an adult or reading a book. I think it is important to establish a balance and an understanding. Explaining beforehand that 'Mommy is busy or taking care of something important and that I will get to you after'. As long as this doesn't happen ALL the time and I do in fact get back then hopefully they will understand. It is important for children to understand they are not the center of the universe. Plus it shows that we each take care of ourselves.I would also like to not just focus on the negative. There have been some noticeable changes. Bud listens a lot better. I'm not saying he listens every time or that there aren't tantrums, he is 3, but he is getting better! It might be from a lack of yelling or because of the not yelling I am trying to be more present and give him the attention in the moment or maybe it is from playing more because I am in the moment and giving him attention. Either way, it feels like a win-win-win.
Saturday, September 16, 2017
First day
My first day of attempting to not yell went just as I thought and at the same time differently. I was pretty sure I would slip up at least once and unfortunately I did, but at the same time I hoped beyond hope that I could in fact make the whole day and even have a huge long streak of not yelling because I set my mind to it. Well, here's to tomorrow.
Some things that I learned on this first day:
Be in the moment
We hear this all the time. But today because I was paying special attention to this goal I quickly realized that if I was trying to do something else while my children needed my, my attention was elsewhere and I felt myself getting impatient fast. Usually this was me reading something on my phone that could definitely wait until later. The time that I did yell I was driving and my son kept asking me the same question over and over and over and I kept saying yes until it came out a yell. Opps... At least that is all it was. Right?
Happier in general
Because I was avoiding yelling I would try to smile more and being in the moment meant I was playing with my children better. I wasn't distracted. I was being proactive. It made me think and try to prevent even from being angry because it is easier and better to prevent anger then to stifle it in the moment
Physically took more effort
I found that in order to proactively prevent things that I KNEW would set me off I had to get off my bum a bit more and DO things. I wouldn't call myself lazy but I did notice that I wouldn't have gotten up otherwise. For instance, my 1 year old (Blossom) was taking a nap. She is a VERY light sleeper and yesterday my 3 year old (Bud)shutting the bathroom door woke her up. Frustrating!! So today when he went to the bathroom and I heard him open it I quickly got up and told him that we should just leave it open for now so as not to wake the baby (and really upset Mom).
Not the mental exhaustion I expected
I was for SURE that having to CONSTANTLY thing about not getting angry would cause mental or decision fatigue. It may have but it didn't feel like it. It was more of a delightful challenge. I could feel myself pushing myself just outside of my limits. But because it was in a positive way and with positive results it wasn't exhausting.
Naturally problem solved
An example was when Bud didn't want Blossom to play with him (a very common occurrence) I said, "I will play with you!" and I could see Bud's wheels turn in his head. Later he was more open and willing to all play together.
After I told my friend about my slip up she brought up that mornings usually go great but around mid afternoon and beyond she gets more snippy because she gets tired and worn. I couldn't agree more! I was about to fall asleep for a nap right before I got in the car and yelled YES at Bud. I was tired and done for the day. So I still don't know what to do about that but knowledge is power and I can brain storm. Maybe a quick workout. Maybe implement family quiet time.
Some things that I learned on this first day:
Be in the moment
We hear this all the time. But today because I was paying special attention to this goal I quickly realized that if I was trying to do something else while my children needed my, my attention was elsewhere and I felt myself getting impatient fast. Usually this was me reading something on my phone that could definitely wait until later. The time that I did yell I was driving and my son kept asking me the same question over and over and over and I kept saying yes until it came out a yell. Opps... At least that is all it was. Right?
Happier in general
Because I was avoiding yelling I would try to smile more and being in the moment meant I was playing with my children better. I wasn't distracted. I was being proactive. It made me think and try to prevent even from being angry because it is easier and better to prevent anger then to stifle it in the moment
Physically took more effort
I found that in order to proactively prevent things that I KNEW would set me off I had to get off my bum a bit more and DO things. I wouldn't call myself lazy but I did notice that I wouldn't have gotten up otherwise. For instance, my 1 year old (Blossom) was taking a nap. She is a VERY light sleeper and yesterday my 3 year old (Bud)shutting the bathroom door woke her up. Frustrating!! So today when he went to the bathroom and I heard him open it I quickly got up and told him that we should just leave it open for now so as not to wake the baby (and really upset Mom).
Not the mental exhaustion I expected
I was for SURE that having to CONSTANTLY thing about not getting angry would cause mental or decision fatigue. It may have but it didn't feel like it. It was more of a delightful challenge. I could feel myself pushing myself just outside of my limits. But because it was in a positive way and with positive results it wasn't exhausting.
Naturally problem solved
An example was when Bud didn't want Blossom to play with him (a very common occurrence) I said, "I will play with you!" and I could see Bud's wheels turn in his head. Later he was more open and willing to all play together.
After I told my friend about my slip up she brought up that mornings usually go great but around mid afternoon and beyond she gets more snippy because she gets tired and worn. I couldn't agree more! I was about to fall asleep for a nap right before I got in the car and yelled YES at Bud. I was tired and done for the day. So I still don't know what to do about that but knowledge is power and I can brain storm. Maybe a quick workout. Maybe implement family quiet time.
No yelling starting tomorrow
So finally I decided while pleading with my Father in Heaven, I am not going to yell at all tomorrow. Not once. And then I thought of the reading streak from The Reading Promise and wondered how long I could go without yelling. I am not changing any other parenting. My only goal and strategy, right now, is just to stop yelling. That also includes in they are far away in the house. Our current rule is if you want to be loud you have to go outside. If I want to be loud, which is hardly ever, I will have to take it outside. But that doesn't mean I can yell at my children in an impatient or frustrated way.
I also need accountability, hence this blog. It is also the place to keep track of my findings. Hopefully there will be lots.
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